They say strength comes in numbers. There has to be some truth to that in all situations, because the more losses I experience, the stronger I become. This year, I’ve decided to turn my pain into power.

Over the last 7 years, my husband and I have experienced 5 pregnancies that resulted in what is medically referred to as TFMR (termination for medical reasons). Our journey started in 2015, shortly after our wedding with the pregnancy of our daughter Delaney. After we lost her, we conceived our son Greyson who is a thriving, healthy, and very active 7-year-old. Through the losses that followed Greyson’s birth, we were able to finally figure out the reason for our continuous struggle. Derek and I are carriers of the same autosomal recessive gene, meaning each time we get pregnant there is a 1 in 4 chance it can result in an affected pregnancy, leading to termination. The reason for needing to terminate is because of severe abnormalities with all major organs, issues with brain development, if any development at all, as well as the risk of shortened limbs. Doctors say the pregnancies are non-viable and would result in stillbirths. But at last, we found the gene that causes it, so now we can do IVF! We have the embryos tested at day 5, and can only use the viable ones that are not affected by the gene. Well, the math ain’t mathing… the first round in 2019 didn’t work, the second round in 2019, we had 1 embryo – didn’t stick. Back to the drawing board.

We sought other options. Adoption…. $50k, fostering into adoption, our hearts couldn’t handle the roller coaster that entails. Egg donation, unaffordable. Sperm donation, okay, maybe. After months of debate, we decided that was our best shot. 5 IUIs (intrauterine insemination) later, nothing. That was where it ended until it started back up. In 2020, we became pregnant again. The 12-week ultrasound seemed normal, yay! We used invasive testing (amniocentesis) but despite that, at 16.5 weeks the results came back as an affected pregnancy, further confirmed with an early anatomy scan. That’s it, we were done-done. Despite that, in 2022, we got pregnant again, and it’s the same old story. This one hit us hard, we were stuck in our feelings for months. Then we thought 2023 was going to be our year. IVF. Full throttle. One egg retrieval, with 8 embryos tested. We had 1 perfect male embryo and got pregnant! Then after what is referred to in the IVF community as beta hell (IYKYK), there was a confirmed pregnancy, with one more long week until the ultrasound. Well…. You guessed it. An empty sac. Another non-viable pregnancy.

As I write this, it is September 12, 2023. My husband and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary today! Which bittersweetly means we’ve gone through 8 years of this struggle. 8 long years, but we have not given up yet. You’ll have to wait, like us, to see how it ends.

My annual Rainbow Photoshoot was inspired by the loss of our daughter Genevieve in 2020. I thought this pregnancy was for sure the one, so I was in a very bad place. I threw the shoot together during COVID-19, and it got so much positive feedback. People I had never met before started messaging me to tell me it helped them realize they weren’t alone. To this day, I get messages about how it makes them feel like they can have a conversation about their loss. This is what makes it so important to me and why I keep going. Not for the attention, but the fact that it helps a couple I’ve never met before feel less alone. Some women walk this journey in silence and that could be their choice, but it’s so lonely, even with a supportive partner. How can you grieve while trying to be a supportive person to your husband or wife? This shoot means so much more to me than I initially expected, and continuously helps myself, my partner, and other families affected through this struggle.

With the encouraging words of my dear friend Adrienne, this year I decided to make it bigger than ever! Adrienne had the incredible idea to have this year’s Rainbow Event double as a benefit. Thanks to her encouragement, I was able to raise $1700 from raffle donations (all given to the MA Tears Chapter), plus a direct donation From The Jessica Simone Memorial Fund for $250 to the Tears Foundation! From the bottom of my heart, I thank each and every one of the supporters of this fundraiser. I cannot express to you how much it means to me to be seen and heard on this topic. The amount of money raised might not seem like a lot to some, but to me, it is an astonishing amount and I am so honored to have you all support me in this endeavor, as well as your support for The Tears Foundation and their work.

Nothing about this journey has been easy. How could it be? Yet I have decided to turn my pain into power, turning this grief into something much bigger than myself, with an outreach I could have never predicted. I hope that through my efforts I can continue to help others open up about what they may have been through and that maybe this conversation can become a little easier for everyone. For more information on my Rainbow Shoots, and other stories from brave families opening up about their journeys, please check out my blog from 2021 on the topic. It features stories from myself and 7 other incredible women, letting you in on what their lives have looked like under this lens. More information on the Tears Foundation can be found on their website. Again, I want to thank you for hearing my story, the stories of others, and the overwhelming support that has come with it. It has and continues to mean the world to me.

Love, Julia